I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize