I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
