and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
