Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
