im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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