Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
