...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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