Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't deserve a penis
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
