My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize