I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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