This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize