Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I supernannyed him into submission
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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