If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
