If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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