I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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