peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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