I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
