There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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