My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
