whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
