Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
