And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
