Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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