you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize