i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
