I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
