im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
