Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
