Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
