His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
