Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
