I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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