Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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