Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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