Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
