It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
