I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
