If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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