Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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