you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
