you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize