hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
