you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize