At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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