Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
