pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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