"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
