I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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