Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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