wakey wakey hands off snakey
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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