atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
