You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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