dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
bring money and cleavage
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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