I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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