I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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