booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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