I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
