we have pet lesbian snakes
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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