I wish I only lived at night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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