I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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